Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Baby Ritchie

I haven't posted in a while because, quite honestly, my baby and my body have not been getting along. Since about 7 weeks into my pregnancy, I've felt like I have a permanent hangover without the glory of knowing I did stupid stuff the night before. I have severe aversions to all food, and when I can eat, it's very small amounts and I have to fight to keep it down.
Anyway, I'll try to keep updated more frequently. I am now halfway through my 11th week of pregnancy. The morning sickness symptoms have started to lessen, though the last two days have been rough again.

A week ago, Charles and I went to my first doctor appointment to check on the baby. While there, we heard the little pickle's heartbeat, loud and clear. The doctor said that the heartbeat was 170 bpm, which is perfect. Right after that, she looked at me with a serious face and said, "Well, you're definitely pregnant". I like this doctor, she's a bit of comedian ;).

I know this may sound awful, but I've been trying not to thing about this baby very much. When I think about the baby, I think about my Momma, and that makes me sad. I'm hoping to get to the point soon where I can think about the baby and not be so sad, but I know that every step of this journey is going to be very difficult for me - emotionally, and not with the normal emotional stress that pregnant women/first time moms go through. Since I haven't been thinking about this baby very much, I didn't realize how hard it would hit me to hear the heartbeat. I don't know why, but I guess I didn't expect there to be one or something? When I heard it, I thought, 'wow, there really is a life in there. I really do have a baby to look forward to'. Honestly, this little pickle has made me think about my life differently since my momma left. After losing my best friend, I think I lost a lot of the dreams and drive I had. I didn't look forward to anything in my life, and husband and family were the only reason I got out of bed in the morning. One thing I know for sure, I had no desire to take care of myself. That, that is something I feel guilty for now, knowing that I was possibly effecting the baby I didn't know I had inside of me. Hearing that heartbeat though - changed my outlook. I still get emotional when thinking about my mom, but this baby has given me different goals - or I should say this baby has given me goals, since I had thrown all my other ones out the window. This baby has given me that sense of importance, that motivation that I need to still move on with my life and be my best self.

A matter of days later, we returned again to have an ultrasound. Seeing the baby wasn't as much of a shock to me as hearing the heartbeat, because I had already gone through that, but it was still an amazing feeling. I never wanted to get married, and I never wanted children. Of course, meeting Charles changed all of that for me, but I didn't expect to be as excited as I was to see the baby. I guess we continue to change in ways that we don't think we will.



Anyway, I had been truly dreading announcing this pregnancy to the world. I know how excited everyone would be for me, but I just kept thinking that the one person whom would be the most excited, wouldn't be here to ever show me that reaction I so longed to see. In turn, I feared that everyone's excitement would hurt my heart a little. I know, it's a dumb thing to fear, but I can't help it, so I planned on waiting until it was almost obvious before I told the world. It's just my luck that some events transpired that forced me to announce my pregnancy earlier than I had planned, and while I am still not clear of the first trimester yet. So I announced it. I got an overwhelming response of excited and love from friends and family alike, and it didn't hurt as much I thought I might. It was a nice change to see people excited for me, rather than sad for me.

Reading back through this post, it sounds quite depressing. Haha! I am excited for this baby, and my excited grows a little more each day that I adjust to the new world I am surrounded by (having lost my best friend, and having my hormones go into a rage of chaos). But as I said previously, I think about baby - I think about mom. Naturally, some of my posts are destined to come off sad. I'm sorry - I hope I don't bring you down too much. I'm trying to get out of my head more, but having lived there for 23 years - it's quite the adjustment to try and get out of it.